how early is it too early to write an autobiography? for some strange and bizarre and nondrug-related reason, i am inspired to start writing about my life. is my life inspiring? probably not. is it occasionally tragic? yes. is it a big joke most of the time? yes.

i want to start on my autobiography right now before i start losing my memories to old age or loss of brain cells due to alcohol/other drug consumption. is it going to be completed any time soon? no. why? 1. i am a huge procrastinator; 2. i am OCD and probably have to edit and re-edit this shit 501837134 times; 3. i am not going to release this epic shit until i am rich and famous. when i am rich and famous and successful etc etc etc, people would naturally want to read about me, right? hahahahah. and then by that time it does not matter what i say in my autobiography because people will either a) love the shit out of it, b) hate it, or c) be confused by it. if option b happens, it is ok. because i am so rich that i will take any lawsuit that flies my way. or have a publicist to silence these protests. or secretly hire a sniper to snuff out the annoying people bringing down the 5-star rating of my autobiography.

i wish i could tell you that you can pre-order my autobiography on amazon right now but it’s gonna be some super classified information (with occasional leaks that will increase publicity) for now.